So Long as They’re Healthy

So Long as He’s Healthy

“So long as he’s healthy,” she said.

Inwardly, I cringe

And my heart weeps a little.

I ask myself, “But what if he’s not?”

Will you not love him?

Will you be unable to find happiness?

Will you wish you didn’t have him?

What do you mean by, “So long as he’s healthy?”

But I know why you say it

Because I was once that mom, too.

Innocent and carefree, perhaps careless with my words,

Expecting a healthy baby like the other two,

But he wasn’t.

So I think to myself, again, “But what if he’s not?”

And I already know the answer

Because he wasn’t.

I know you will love him

Perhaps all the more fiercely.

You will not take one minute, one second, for granted

Because you don’t know what the future holds.

I know you will feel the deepest sorrow,

And you will find intense joy in the smallest of things.

You will know fear that almost stops your breath,

But you will find courage and strength that you never knew you had,

And you will swell with pride for your courageous little soul.

You will mourn the “So long as he’s healthy” baby you didn’t have,

But you will learn that “So long as he’s healthy” is not what matters most — love is.

And I know you didn’t mean harm or to hurt me;

It’s just an innocent expression.

You will not see my pain,

You will not hear me quietly pray that you will never have to understand,

And that you will get your “So long as he’s healthy” baby.

But if you don’t, you will be OK,

You will love him all the same,

And you will never be alone.

— Jodi Smith Lemacks

The ‘So Long as She’s Healthy’ Baby Who Wasn’t

Anticipating the birth of a child is often an amazing time filled with hopes, dreams and excitement. One of the most common things expecting parents will say during those nine months when asked about their child’s gender is, “I don’t care which gender the baby is, so long as he or she is healthy.” This sentiment, though meant with the kindest intentions and innocence, for some parents can sting like salt in a wound.

This sting is not because we don’t want every baby to be born healthy, but because we know that at least one in 110 babies won’t be born healthy — they will be born with the most common birth defect, a congenital heart defect (CHD). And, it can seem like the focus on the health of a newborn baby makes an unhealthy baby less deserving of love and acceptance.   

Before my daughter’s CHD diagnosis, I lived in a world blissfully unaware of childhood ailments, and I most certainly had no idea what a congenital heart defect was. I remember the first time I heard someone say, “As long as the baby’s healthy” after my daughter was born, and my immediate thought was, “What if he or she is not?”  

I often wonder what I would hope for now if I were to have another baby, and my thoughts are this: I want that baby to be brave and strong and to know he or she is loved. Of course, I would like my baby to be healthy, but I don’t need my baby to be healthy.

I struggled to write about these feelings because I was worried that people would think I am devaluing a healthy child, or that I’m bitter, but that’s not why I feel like this issue is important to talk about. I know the importance of sharing your story for others who have felt the same way, who secretly shudder when someone says, “So long as the baby’s healthy.” I’m sharing this story so they don’t feel so alone. My dear friend Jodi shared her thoughts below, and the feedback was amazing, and I knew I must do this.

On May 21, 2014, I grieved the loss of the child I thought I would have and was projected, without warning, into the life of a heart mom, and I’m OK. I lost my blissful ignorance and gained my confidence in medical terminology, educating myself through research. I learned that although I felt alone, there were thousands of people who were going to help us along our way, and they would become family. I learned with every echocardiogram, ultrasound and X-ray that my daughter was not afraid; she was the bravest tiny soul, and she still has that trait. She taught me how to not be afraid, too. I learned that although she was not healthy, she was so full of joy and had many deeper things to offer me than health. I learned that love is not about health or the lack of it.

Today I have a vibrant, free-spirited 4-year-old who has no idea she wasn’t born “healthy.” She knows that she has a special heart and earned “a zipper” because she was SO brave. She knows her doctors’ names and all of their specialties. She can tell you stories of beautiful babies taken too soon and how we send bubbles to heaven for Caden and Ruby, just to name a couple. She doesn’t know that she’s not healthy; she hasn’t even figured out that she’s different yet. But she is so much more than her diagnoses. As she grows and learns more about her story, I hope she knows that there is so much more to life than being born healthy. I hope she knows that I would choose her over and over, diagnosis or not, because she is every bit worth it.

— Michele Bowers