The Great Sibling Debate

By Lauren Garda

**This article may or may not contain personal risk and the data stated in the article does not represent the CHD population as a whole. This article is one mom’s journey of the question of whether to have another child. It should not be considered medical advice or solid data claims.

Well, with the 2012 elections coming up, I’d thought I’d throw in a political post … ha ha, just kidding. I won’t get all political on you. However, it’s more of a debate with myself … and as with any debate there are opposing sides, each with pros and cons. So here’s my debate with myself (and I say with myself because I already know husband’s stand) … whether or not to have another child? Go!

My husband and I always wanted two children. Even while growing up I thought two kids was the perfect number of children — one of each gender would be great! Then just as quickly, reality slaps you in the face and you figure out that things just don’t always work out the way you want or expect them to. Trust me, I speak from experience.

It used to kind of annoy me when people would ask, “So when are you having another?” I don’t know why it annoyed me. I know most people were just being polite or making conversation, but I just felt like it was none of their business. As awful as it sounds, I used to use my heart warrior as an excuse … my infamous line was, “We are waiting until after my son’s third heart surgery.” Well, we are just a little more than two months out from my son’s third surgery, and I just can’t think of what to say if I get asked that question again. Obviously before I didn’t want to get pregnant with everything going on with my son — being stressed about him and being pregnant at the same time just doesn’t sound like a good combination. However, even though we are out of the required three stages of surgery, I’m still stressed about him, and I’m sure that will never go away.

Honestly, I don’t even know if I want another child. Maybe that’s why I was annoyed with people when they asked and I couldn’t think of a good excuse — maybe I didn’t want to say that horrible truth out loud. I can’t imagine loving another child as much as I love our heart warrior. I don’t know if I could give the full attention, time and energy to a newborn. No matter what my son’s age, I’d constantly be worried about him. Do I have enough love in my heart to love another child equally?

Any child has a  >1% – 1% of developing a congenital heart defect. If you have a child with CHD, then your chances of having another child with CHD skyrockets — it jumps to like 10% – 15%! Yikes! My pregnancy would be considered “high risk,” basically high maintenance with more frequent doctor appointments. Which honestly I am used to.

I never regret finding out during my pregnancy about my son and his CHD. However, I was miserable the second half of my pregnancy. I would be facing that all again … for the whole nine months until the baby was delivered and cleared to go home.

One of my son’s doctors suggested waiting until he was 4 years old. By then he may have some autonomy. She doesn’t think he would want to “share” his parents with another baby! Ha ha (but honestly, what siblings want to share their parents?!) However, that puts me really close to age 35, especially if it takes awhile to get pregnant. And yes, I know 35 isn’t “old” but in reproductive years it’s getting up there. Which by then I’ll have a whole other list of worries in addition to that 10% – 15% chance of having a baby with CHD.

I wonder how many families have a child with a disability and additional children without a disability? I know of maybe fewer than five. A perfect example is my husband’s family. His older sister has Down syndrome and my husband turned out OK … at least I think he did! Ha ha.

So where do I stand? I really have no clue. We might just wait a year or two and start trying. I guess we will wait and see.

**Update: August 2018 — So yes, my husband and I did try to have another child. We thought, “if it happens, it happens.” As it turns out, we had TWINS! Both boys (yes, I have all boys) who are 3 years old. The twins are heart healthy. Our heart warrior is doing great now, but we never know what the future holds. We just take things day by day — what else can you do? And as it turns out, our heart warrior does NOT like to share his parents with twins!

Author bio: Lauren Garda is a mommy, wife and educator. She enjoys reading and scrapbooking, which she rarely has time for.